I’m not really sure why I made this blog when I honestly don’t even write in it that much. Maybe with the slightest small-ish hope that I’ll be discovered and develop a cult following without really doing anything? To that I respond: lolz. As if.
I’ve come back to this blog for the third(?) time ever because I need to vent. I need to type out some random thoughts and here I am to do so.
My roommate just up and left to go somewhere without saying anything and I can’t help but think it’s because I kept trying to talk to her and she got annoyed so she left? But in all reality, she probably just went to hang out with one of her many friends because she doesn’t have to work until 2pm tomorrow. Logic and common sense is telling me this, but anxiety and the fear of how other people see me is telling me it is my former thought, not the latter.
To be perfectly candid, not that there is anyone reading this to be candid with but more the fact that I have to be candid with myself, I am feeling lonely. Am I alone? No. But I certainly feel alone. I don’t know anybody in this big ole city except for my roommates and the people I work with. I haven’t explored the areas around which I live and work except for running the few blocks around my apartment, and the Target across the street from my work.
A lady and her daughter came into my work the other day and notified me that there is an Anthropology literally down the street from where I work and I never knew that. Another customer, a man, told me that there is a cafe down the street that sometimes offers free muffins and half-priced coffee. Amazing. Free food and cheap caffeine. That is the height of luxury.
All told, I miss my friends from home and I feel like I haven’t really made any new friends because I haven’t. School doesn’t start until the last week of August, and I don’t know anybody who lives in the city. Also I work a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I’ll be working every. single. damn. weekend in the month of August. And my birthday.
But it’s fine! This has become my mantra. Everything is Fine. With a capital F. *deep breath*
Exercise. I would like to exercise more than I currently am, but I am just so tired and Oreos taste so good. Also I am very hungry when I come home from work and it is almost impossible for me to run with a full-ish stomach without wanting to vomit. EXCUSES. I don’t work until 10:30 tomorrow morning. I could EASILY wake up at 7am, go for a brisk run, come home, shower, make coffee, eat breakfast, and make it to work on time. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Easier said than done though.
I feel like I have a lot of half-finished thoughts in my brain. I’m bored. I want to date without having to go out and meet someone. I keep thinking about my ex since we haven’t spoken since I broke up with him. It’s been almost two months since we broke up. “We broke up” sounds WAY nicer than “I broke up with him.” But the latter is more accurate. He didn’t have much of a say in it considering how it went down is I told him I didn’t want to date him anymore. RIP. But I still think about him. I also think about how I never really felt like I was in a relationship when I was with him. Not meaning I cheated on him, was talking to other guys, or was thinking about talking to other guys, but like, he never met my friends. I only met his roommate and one of his friends. We never posted on social media about each other, or even tagged each other on facebook. Not that either of us are religious updaters of social media, but still.
I have also come to realize (finally) that there were things that I was not happy about in the relationship that I never vocalized. These were not major things, they were small things that were important to me, but I never said anything about them. He doesn’t know that these things bother me because I never told him. COMMUNICATION. That was the biggest thing lacking in our relationship. Both ways. We made plans, we talked on the phone or went out daily, but we never really communicated, ya know?
We were not very good at saying what bothered us, or how we really felt about certain things. It always felt like we stopped ourselves before going much deeper than surface level. I think this also came from the fact that neither of us knew what we wanted. Like, we wanted someone, but the full commitment of a relationship? Ehhh, maybe not. But like we almost tried to force it, and it felt kind of forced. We never had dinner together with either of our families. He met everyone in my immediate family, at least in passing several times, but I never met anyone in his family. Maybe he was embarrassed? Entirely possible know the limited information that I know. I thought for a while that breaking it off with him was the wrong decision. My mom and my aunt (both of whom I go to advice when it comes to this sort of thing) told me not to break up with him, even though I was feeling uneasy about the relationship for a couple of weeks. Granted, we only dated for a total of 3 months, and knew each other for 4. (Feb-June)
I have also come to realize that a lot of my deep-seated uneasiness about this relationship was the fact that we met through a dating app. In the back of my mind, this made me feel like I was too socially inept to meet someone in person and go out on dates that way, that I had to meet someone online to get a date. I really hate this stigma. A LOT of people meet there S/O’s online. It is not embarrassing, it comes with the modern age. Besides, going out to bars and meeting a guy there is SO not my scene. Although, I wouldn’t mind going out a weeeeee bit more now that I live in the city.
To continue my loneliness rant, I miss having someone. Someone to hold, make out with, make fun of movies with, go rock climbing with, and who would point out dogs on the sidewalk for me.
But I also know that he was not the one. He had many of the qualities I would like in a future partner, but he was not the partner for me. This makes me sad because I did not reciprocate the feelings that he had for me. HOWEVER, this does not make me wish I was still in a relationship WITH HIM, I don’t pity him, but this is the first time I have turned down someone that has unrequited love for me. AND HE TOOK IT SO WELL. I guess this just means he isn’t a shitty person though lol. He was very understanding and has given me the space I need.
I still can’t help but think if I should reach out to him. See how he’s doing. I haven’t talked to him since the breakup, and it’s not that I don’t care about him anymore, but I don’t know how it would feel hearing from someone that you were going to confess your love for, just to have them say that they don’t want to see you anymore. RIP. fuck.
ALSO, this was my first relationship. Ever. Like, I’ve been on dates before, homecoming, prom, blah blah blah, but never had an official boyfriend. damn. gah. Idk fam. If anybody read all of this pointless rambling, please help a girl out and let me know if I should reach out to my ex. (even asking that sounds dumb? ugh. i dunno.)